I was having a great conversation with a client the other day about ways that we may ‘check out’ or distract ourselves when we’re feeling uncomfortable. Often it can manifest as a compulsion to check your phone and scroll. Or for some it may be jumping up and down like a jack in the box and opening and closing the fridge.These behaviours never feel good as there is a sense of running and of shutting out. We therefore spoke about doing the opposite.
My client committed to practicing ‘checking in’ with herself when she noticed the compulsion to ‘check out’ in some way. She then had full permission to still ‘check out’ if that’s what she decided she still wanted to do. However the first step (and the purpose of this exercise) was to learn how to connect with herself and to try and understand what it was she was feeling when she had the desire to ‘check out’ so that she could then begin to meet her deeper needs.
So at times when she felt a compulsion to check out she began to ask herself the following questions..
1. What am I feeling right now or what is it that I am trying not to feel?
2. What do I need in this moment?
This practice was really interesting as the feelings often changed but the remedy seemed to stay the same; That is, she needed connection, self compassion and some form of self care or practical action.
The other thing she realised was that often what she thought was a big scary feeling was actually just a mild discomfort. And that even when she did experience an uncomfortable feeling, she had the capacity to hold it.
How liberating is that?
To realise that you don’t have to run from yourself and that you have the capacity to meet your own needs?
That you can sit with yourself and your thoughts and feelings without mindlessly taking out your phone and scrolling?
And that you can be with space and boredom and not have to fill in every moment with something external?
Because here’s the thing…
If we constantly check out and aren’t ever still with ourselves, then we’ll never know how it is we truly feel.
And if we don’t know how we truly feel, then how can we ever expect to meet our needs?
It's definitely a practice (going against the compulsion to run, distract or fill up space in some way). A practice that requires patience, curiosity and a willingness to get a bit uncomfortable.
But it’s also so worth it.
Realising that no feeling is too big for you to handle and being able to meet your own needs is true Freedom.
This weeks Practice
Notice when you’re engaged in some compulsive behaviour that doesn't feel good and use that behaviour as a sign to get present and come back to yourself (with compassion). Ask yourself what you are feeling and what it is you actually need?
You may find it useful to journal in these moments, but you could also simply put your hand on your heart or your belly and just breathe. The main thing is to use these times of 'checking out', to check in instead.
