The Paradox of Choice

We’re so lucky that we have so many choices and options in our life. However, it’s been well documented that all of these choices can lead to overwhelm and anxiety. Hence the saying ‘the paradox of choice’.

I remember learning this for the first time when I was 19 years old. I was driving an old 1980’s Volvo when my radio got stuck on one station.

Now thankfully this station was one I liked, however what struck me when this happened was that for the first time in my life, I was satisfied with the music playing. There was no more searching, no more longing. I accepted what was on and I found enjoyment and pleasure in it.

It made me realise how when we have an overwhelming amount of choice, we are often not satisfied. There is something very simple and satisfying about less choice. Not no choice, but just less of it.

Barry Schwartz who wrote ‘The Paradox of Choice’ divides people into 2 categories when it comes to choosing; Maximisers and Satisficers

Maximisers believe that there is a ‘perfect’ choice out there and so spend a huge amount of time searching for the ‘best’ option. They feel a great sense of responsibility when it comes to making choices and take it seriously and personally when they don’t make the so called ‘perfect’ choice.

Satisficers in contrast, look for the ‘good enough’ option. They know there might be better options out there but they are satisfied with ‘good enough’.

The irony is that at the end of the day, satisficers are far more content with their choices than maximisers. This is because even when the maximisers do make a choice, they still believe there could be something better out there. This means that they are never truly satisfied.

Maximisers also spend a lot more time and energy trying to make the ‘perfect’ choice, which takes away energy that could be going towards other more meaningful things.

So the question is are you a Maximiser or a Satisficer?

And if you are a Maximiser, what are some of the limitations of this?

How can you start to embrace ‘good enough’?

What would be some of the benefits of adopting this attitude?

It's All About The Quantity And Intention

I was talking to a client the other day about how we all have different ways of numbing, distracting, of running away from certain feelings. Some people eat, others watch television, others scroll through their phones mindlessly. Some may  overwork, overspend or rush around bouncing from one thing to the next. Most likely it's a combination of some version of the above. It doesn’t matter what you do. What is similar between all of these activities, is that in themselves there is nothing wrong with them, but when done regularly to avoid some emotion, they can feel bad.

Anything can be medicine and anything can be poison. The difference lies in the quantity and the intention. Too much water can kill you. Too much sex can be an addiction. Anything can be healing or harmful.

It’s not about cutting these things out. Who wants to cut out sex and water? It is about getting honest with ourselves though and asking  ‘Are we using these activities as a way to feel good? Or are we constantly trying to escape ourselves or escape from some uncomfortable emotion or situation?'

Now, don't get me wrong, coping skills aren't all bad and are in fact necessary. Life as a human involves discomfort, anxiety and hurt and so of course we’ll at times want to lean on various coping skills to get ourselves through the day or to take the edge off certain situations. We don't always have the time or skills to 'feel our feelings' and so providing ourselves with a bit of comfort and self care in the short term can in fact be a loving or necessary thing to do.

And at the same time, in order to live a rich life and to meet the depths of our needs properly, we need to not always numb our feelings.  We need to learn how to be with ourselves and to get curious about all of our emotions as they could actually be highlighting some valuable information for us. 

You see, behaviours such as emotional eating or randomly scrolling through your phone are not the real problem. These are actually the symptoms. They are the gentle signpost or alarm bells telling you that something else is up. They are the invitation to come back inside of yourself, get curious and ask yourself what is really going on? What emotion are you having trouble feeling? What situation is upsetting you or are you trying to avoid?

So often we make the coping style the problem and then spend our lives trying to stop that specific behaviour only to find ourselves stuck in a vicious cycle of let down and regret and never actually getting to the core of what is really going on.

So my invitation to you is to stop seeing whatever numbing behaviour or coping style you engage in as the problem and start to see it as a gentle tap on your shoulder bringing you back to yourself and your life.  You do not have to give up these behaviours anymore than you have to give up sex or water. But start to curious about the pain underneath and what it is you are trying to avoid?  What are your real unmet needs underneath it all?

Can We Please Stop Grading Ourselves

So, right now with all the house hunting, all the unsettledness, all the unknowns, I have to admit, life isn’t as easy. It’s not that it’s ‘bad’, but things are more challenging then they were two weeks ago when I was back in Australia, secure in my community and daily rhythms.

I noticed this morning that I was making the judgement that I wasn’t 'doing well' at the moment and thankfully I decided to delve a little deeper as this is something that I often hear with my coaching clients and friends.

What does this ‘Not doing well’ mean anyway? Does it mean that we’re not happy? That we’re finding things hard? That we’re not as joyful as we were maybe a couple of weeks ago? Because these standards are impossible to live up to all of the time.

Our inner perfectionists are making the assumption that things have to be going well “all’ of the time in order for us to be ‘doing well’. That we should be somehow handling our lives differently. That we need to be floating through life with ease and joy at every moment, to feel as though we are doing a 'good enough' job.

And when we judge ourselves like this and there are 'shoulds' in our sentences, then we know that we’re screwed.

This is because these judgements are binary. They are black and white. There is no room for nuances, for curiosity, for learning, for making mistakes. There is no room for bad moods, for bad days, for hard moments or for ups and downs. There is pressure, there are ‘shoulds’ and every time we hear that word SHOULD it’s an indication that we’re disconnected from our own lives, from our own needs and from our own heart. We’re trying to live up to a standard and one which is not even necessarily in line with our own values or needs.

So when I noticed myself saying this, I softened. I decided that I don’t want to work with the language of ‘Good Girl/Bad girl’, ‘Doing well, or not doing well” and 'shoulds'..

I don’t want to grade myself anymore!

Instead I decided to say..

‘Things are hard at the moment love, the only thing you need to do is be open to what you’re experiencing with self compassion and love. You’ve got this’.

Life can be hard. We’re not doing anything 'wrong' when we don't feel great. We’re not getting an ‘F”!

We also aren’t getting an ‘A” when for whatever reason life is full of ease and we feel as though we’re nailing it.

So let’s stop with all of the grading. Instead, how can we just be open to whatever is unfolding in our lives and have our own back?

After all.. We’ve got this!

I Can't Believe I Just Weighed Myself

I didn’t want to write this post. I saw it as a sign that I have ‘failed’ in some way. But I want to be authentic. I want to be real. I want to share the highs and lows of this intuitive eating, body positivity journey and so here it goes…

We’ve just moved overseas (again) and truth be told I’m feeling unsettled (queue- thoughts about food and weight becoming a little more active in my mind). You see, obsessing over food and weight is really just a coping style; a way where we can feel like we’re in control, when we’re feeling somewhat out of control in some other area of our life.

For me, right now, I have just moved countries with 2 small children, am homeless, don’t have many friends or any set routine yet and so of course my life is feeling unsettled; We have literally unsettled ourselves.

Don’t get me wrong,  I love an adventure, but it can also bring up feelings of unease as you learn a new city, make new friends and find a new home.

So… I found myself eating more, thinking about my body more and feeling a little more unsettled around food. This was unsettling, but I understood why this was all happening and so I gave myself a much needed hug and reminded myself that it’s not my thoughts that define me and where I am on this  journey, but how I choose to respond to them.

So, I chose to respond to them with kindness, not giving them air time and recognising that they were symbolic of deeper feelings coming up within me.

That was until I weighed myself….

I couldn’t believe it. It was almost unconscious. Like a well trodden path, I just hopped right on, slipping right back into that same old groove, knowing that this could only lead to one place- and it’s never a good one.

And do you know what, my weight was up. And thankfully this is where all of my work in this area really came in. The truth is..I don’t care. I’m not going to change any food behaviours, in fact, I almost immediately went downstairs to have my afternoon snack that I was hungry for and I ate it happily. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Our weight is not meant to be static. It changes as our life situations changes, and it’s definitely not meant to weigh our self esteem.

So instead of beating myself up and telling myself the story that I’m ‘bad’ at this body positivity and coaching thing, I offered myself self compassion and love and decided to not give it much meaning, other than, I’m still susceptible to diet mentality, especially during times of stress.  This is when I need to give myself the most love and to continue to choose liberation over fear and control.

So bye bye scales. It’s not me, it’s you. I do not give you the power to weigh my self esteem any more.

A Spin on Self Care

A friend and I were talking the other day and she was asking for some ideas about self care. She said that she already went for walks, did yoga, took nice baths, but was after some other suggestions to add to her toolkit.

The thing is, that whilst all of the above actions are wonderful and can add a lot of support and richness to our lives, they are also all about ‘doing’. We live in a very action oriented, fast moving culture and it seems that self care has also fallen prey to this momentum. Self care has become all about what you can ‘do’, buy and what you can ‘add’ to your life. Be it, green smoothies, meditation, massages, swims in the ocean or journalling, there is a magnitude of ways that you can care for yourself, and this can feel both exciting and overwhelming at times.

So… I want to put a different spin on self care.

What if self care was less about the ‘doing’ and more about how you are ‘being’ with yourself?

I feel that this sort of self care may just be the deepest form of self love and nourishment that you could possibly give to yourself. What if, instead of always trying to add more to our lives, we started to get conscious and intentional about how we’re speaking and being with ourselves? If we looked after our emotions and showed ourselves love, whether we’re feeling anxious, sad, overwhelmed or fill in the blank...? What if instead of turning on ourselves and being judgemental when things are going ‘wrong’ or when we inevitably make mistakes,  we could be compassionately curious instead? This for me is true, deep self care.

Don’t get me wrong, the activities should stay. I love meditation, journaling, yoga, conversations with friends, dance, music, to name a few. However these activities will never fill you up if you’re still talking to yourself negatively or constantly judging yourself.

I believe that these activities need to be done in conjunctin with really noticing how we;’re being with ourselves.

Lately I’ve been doing a practice given to me by my wonderful meditation teacher and it’s the simplest practice I’ve ever done but also the most transformative. 

In moments when my inner critic is having a field day or I’m feeling sad, anxious, judgemental, angry or any emotion that I don’t want to feel, I simply put my hand on my heart and say ‘My darling’..

Try it now.. It feels like a warm hug.

As simple as this practice is, it’s been one of the most profound self care practices I’ve ever done. It instantly softens me, opens me up and makes me feel so loved which is in direct contrast to how my inner critic was having me feel. I suppose in a way it’s parenting yourself. Holding space and showing the love, patience and compassion that you would for a child.

This Weeks Practice

Instead of adding more to your self care ‘to do’ list. Start to think about how you are ‘being’ with yourself?

How are you talking to yourself? Are your judging yourself harshly or against impossible standards?

Now if you are judging yourself, don’t get down on yourself. Judgement upon judgement never led to anywhere good. Instead, pour the opposite energy into it. Give yourself love and compassion in a moment where you were giving yourself self harassment or harshness.

You might say “I love you’ or ‘it’s ok’ or ‘my darling’.. Whatever resonates with you.. I recommend placing a hand on your heart as it takes you out of your mind and into your body.

The main intention is to start to show compassion and love towards yourself as you move through your day.

Do you Struggle with Night Time Eating?

Night time eating is something that I see a lot of clients struggling with. It’s also something that I struggled with for a long time and so I have a bit to say about this topic.

You see, I would eat what I considered ‘normally’ throughout the day, but the sun would go down and I would find myself bouncing up and down from the couch, eating random concoctions of food and not feeling good about myself in the process. I felt down, like a failure, like I just couldn’t get my sh*t together and each day I vowed that I’d no longer continue this habit of constant night time eating.

This habit used to cause me so much pain but it’s actually been an incredible teacher. I want to share the four main things that I’ve learnt from my night time eating in case some of these things are helpful.

1.What I considered to be a ‘normal’ amount of food was in fact some days under eating and so hence, my night time eating was a clever way that my body was trying to get in energy and nutrients. Thank you body.

2. I wasn’t actually enjoying a lot of the food I was eating and so I wasn’t satisfied. It’s therefore no wonder that I wanted more food at the end of the day. It’s not enough to be full, we need to be satisfied as well.

3. My fear of night time eating and resistance to it was actually fuelling the ‘problem’ as it meant that I also feared the feelings that I thought may lead to night time eating/snacking such as boredom, restlessness or disconnectedness from myself and/or others

4. Resisting night time eating just felt like another diet. As my wonderful teacher Isabel Foxen Duke would call it, I was on the ‘Do not eat too much at night time’ diet. In other words, my self esteem was attached to whether or not I ate and so when I ‘broke’ my own ‘rule’, I ended up  face first in peanut butter, chocolate, or anything that wasn’t glued down in the kitchen.

So I decided to do the opposite to what I had been doing and practicing for so many years.

First of all, I decided to eat more throughout the day so that I was actually getting enough food to satisfy my body. I ditched the diets and actually listened to how much my body needed on a day to day basis. Life changing.

Secondly, I began to choose foods and meals that I found pleasurable and satisfying on every level (physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually).

Thirdly, I decided to welcome my feelings at night time. (I even decided to welcome the night time eating). As soon as I stopped struggling with my feeling and my habits, it was much easier to navigate and be with them. I began to check in and ask myself how I was feeling and what I needed in that moment. Sometimes it was a hug, other times a rest, other times a good old dance around the kitchen, and sometimes there was no solution at all. Sometimes I just had to feel the discomfort and accept that this is part of being a human in this world. That it’s okay to feel pain and to not have to make it go away.

And do you know what? Sometimes I ate. And I still do eat. But the difference is I give myself permission to eat. Instead of guzzling, standing up in private and feeling so much shame, I think about what I want, I sit down (usually) and I enjoy it. If we are going to use food to make us feel better then let’s allow ourselves to actually enjoy the experience so that it is serves the purpose that we intended it for. Otherwise we feel bad as we are experiencing some sort of pain and then we feel even worse because we have eaten and haven’t even let ourselves enjoy the experience. This is then what usually leads to a full on ‘binge’ as we feel like we have broken our diets and so may as well throw in the towel.

This weeks practice

Stop resisting the late night snacking and eating and instead get curious.

Ask yourself, Are you eating enough throughout the day? Are you having enjoyable and satisfying meals?  

Then, welcome your feelings and become intimate with them and ask yourself what you’re truly needing.

And do you know what, if you want to eat, then eat, but at least let yourself enjoy the experience! Think about what would feel satisfying or comforting and then let yourself taste and enjoy it. Maybe even put it on a fancy plate? But at the very least, allow yourself to be comforted by whatever technique you choose. Drop the guilt.

There’s Nothing To Fix

For so long I did everything right. I went to yoga. Tick. Exercised every day. Tick. Went to meditation retreats. Tick Tick. Ate healthy food. Tick. and so on. On paper, I was doing everything ‘right’.

So why was I still feeling so damn anxious?  

While on paper I was living a holistic life, I didn’t feel at ease on the inside. Crippled by a voice of not enoughness and a desire for self improvement, all of the above endeavours were motivated from a place of lack. They were a way to fill a hole inside of myself. They were a desperate attempt to feel enough. And when they didn’t work, then I was straight onto the next thing. Maybe I need to knit? Or learn how to paint? Or take singing lessons? Play guitar? The list was endless.

The thing is there is nothing wrong with any of these activities on their own. In fact when done from the right intention they can form a beautiful and hugely important part of your life. The issue is when you’re doing these things from a place of ‘should’ or from a place of ‘I’m broken’ or ‘not enough’.

Trying to fill yourself up from external pursuits, is like trying to fill a leaking water tank. No matter how much water you put in there, the cracks will continue to leach out any of the good efforts you are carrying out. You wonder why things aren’t changing and then use it as further evidence of just how not good enough you truly are..

But what if we could change perspectives and questioned this voice inside of our head? The one that tells us that we aren’t good enough or not doing enough? We all have different versions of this voice in our own mind. Call it your ego, your inner critic, your obnoxious roommate or whatever it is you want to call it. When it drives the show, you have no hope of feeling fulfilled.

What if we could find our inner enoughness? Realise that we’re not broken and that there is actually nothing to fix. How would things change if we began to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a best friend? If we could begin to catch the judgey voice in our head and then let it go? If we could pursue our self care and any other activities that we may choose to do from a place of;

‘I’m already whole and so am doing these activities from a place of love’.

Fake it til you make it if you have to. Initially I would ask myself ‘What would I do now if I believed I was enough? If I believed I was okay just as I am and that there was nothing to fix?’

It was pure magic what would happen next. My posture would become taller, my breathing slower and I would know what to do.

What would you do differently if you felt you were enough? If you believed there was nothing to fix?

'Normal' Eaters Can Eat Lots Too

I remember years ago buying one of my besties 2 bags of haribo gummies as he absolutely adored them. I distinctly remember then sitting with him as he opened the bag and then proceeded to eat one, then two, then the whole bag and then hang on………...… Is he really about to open the second bag??

It was a truly life changing moment, as I realised that it’s not what we’re eating that matters, but how we’re thinking about our eating that makes all the difference. My friend was cool, calm and collected as he ate his way through nearly 2 bags of haribo. It was no big deal to him. He wasn’t ‘binging’. He wasn’t judging himself or hating himself and then eating more to shove down his feelings of regret. He was merely a guy who was enjoying his haribos. That was it. It was as simple as that.

But to a person who dieted and binged, this was mind blowing. Had I eaten nearly 2 bags of haribos (and let’s be honest, there wouldn’t have been any left were it up to me), I would’ve felt guilty, judged myself severely and then have classified it as a binge. This would’ve likely led to more eating that night as I would’ve felt that I had crossed an imaginary line and so now I may as well eat everything in sight.

Sound familiar?

This experience truly showed me that it’s the way we think about things that matter and not the actions that we take. Someone can eat nearly 2 bags of haribos and have it mean nothing, or someone else could engage in the exact same behaviour and have it mean that they’re a failure, that they have no control or willpower, that they’re a binge eater and that they’re broken and need help…..

So what do you want to make your food choices mean?

Because really at the end of the day it’s up to us to decide whether we just ate a lot of haribos or whether we’re binging.

Haribos anyone?

Can You Practice Kindness Even When You're Not 'Liking' Yourself?

The other night I was feeling a little low. In fact, my inner critic was having a field day. It was at this time that I looked to my latest night time self care ritual of oil pulling (an ayuverdic technique where you swish coconut oil around your mouth... sounds disgusting but it is strangely satisfying and I’m loving the fresh breath in the morning :) Anyway, I looked at my little jar of coconut oil and thought ‘screw it, I can’t be bothered’.

Isn’t it funny how when we’re feeling the most low we can drop any self care that may make us feel better? Just when we need it the most, we withdraw it from ourselves, reinforcing the belief that we’re not worthy of looking after ourselves or of self love.

So I did the opposite to what my instincts were telling me. At a time when I was judging myself, I gave myself love instead.

I picked up that oil and I gave it a red hot swish around my mouth, then I brushed my teeth, flossed and got into bed, feeling a million times better about myself.

I realised that perhaps this is one of the most radical self care acts we can do for ourselves. Give ourselves love when we aren’t liking ourselves. Choose kindness and  care, instead of self abandonment and judgement. True self care is looking after yourself no matter what.

It’s easy to love ourselves and look after ourselves when we feel good. The question is, can you continue to do this and maybe even ramp it up when you feed bad? Self care isn’t easy. It’s not all blow drys and manicures. It’s a practice. A commitment. It can take effort. But the reward is a rich life where you have your own back.

This Weeks Practice

Where in your life are you judging yourself or beating yourself up? In these moments can you do something radically different and choose kindness instead? It can be as small as a hand on your heart or it could be a swim in the ocean, or it could be eating something utterly delicious. Whatever would feel loving in the moment.

A Love Letter To My Emotional Eating

I decided to write a letter to Emotional Eating.

Contrary to popular belief, I’ve grown quite fond of emotional eating. I didn't always feel this way and so I wanted to write this letter..

Dear Emotional Eating,

Wow, for so long you were my greatest friend and my biggest enemy. You caused me so much pain and were my reason for everything that was bad in my life. I therefore can’t believe, after all these years of being in what I perceived as an abusive relationship with you, I’m writing you a love letter.

First of all, thanks for being there for me. You’ve been my most reliable ‘friend’ when I didn’t know how to navigate the ups and downs of life. You were there for me when I didn’t have the skills to be there for myself. You were there while I travelled, moved cities and countries, went through painful breakups, huge losses and unbearable grief. 

You have also been there throughout some of my most joyous and celebratory moments; Birthdays, graduations, fun nights out with friends, falling in love, new adventures, just to name a few. We have been through a lot together, you and me.

You taught me a lot. Mainly about myself and how I want to live my life. It was through you (once I stopped blaming you), that I realised that you were only trying to help me, all this time. 

I now realise that I was holding a lot of grief and a lot of pain and I didn’t know how to be with it yet. So I learnt to lean on you. I was also caught up in dieting and didn’t know how to care for myself fully yet, and so again, I was drawn to you. You were actually trying to protect me…. So really I should be thanking you.

Yes I know, it’s true, our relationship was probably a little co-dependent. And while I thank you for being there for me, it’s also true that I needed to learn some other skills so that I could really be there for myself. I learnt to see you as an alarm bell and as a tap on my shoulder, telling me that something was up. I learnt to work with you and not against you. To see you as trying to protect me and as my friend.

And I made other friends at the same time. I started meditating, practicing self compassion, being kind to myself, allowing for imperfections, connecting to my body and my deeper needs as well as asking for support.

You taught me how to look after myself. You also taught me about pleasure and joy and I’m so grateful for that. Because of you I laugh more now. I make more time for play and pleasure and feel much more fulfilled. You also taught me to enjoy my food, to stop depriving myself and to allow food and life to satiate me.

So thank you. We’ve grown a lot together and our relationship has changed over time. You’re not my only friend now, but you’re still a much loved one.

So much love to you emotional eating.

(No doubt, I’ll see you soon as my baby was up all night last night and a coffee and muffin will really hit the spot)!