For so long I did everything right. I went to yoga. Tick. Exercised every day. Tick. Went to meditation retreats. Tick Tick. Ate healthy food. Tick. and so on. On paper, I was doing everything ‘right’.
So why was I still feeling so damn anxious?
While on paper I was living a holistic life, I didn’t feel at ease on the inside. Crippled by a voice of not enoughness and a desire for self improvement, all of the above endeavours were motivated from a place of lack. They were a way to fill a hole inside of myself. They were a desperate attempt to feel enough. And when they didn’t work, then I was straight onto the next thing. Maybe I need to knit? Or learn how to paint? Or take singing lessons? Play guitar? The list was endless.
The thing is there is nothing wrong with any of these activities on their own. In fact when done from the right intention they can form a beautiful and hugely important part of your life. The issue is when you’re doing these things from a place of ‘should’ or from a place of ‘I’m broken’ or ‘not enough’.
Trying to fill yourself up from external pursuits, is like trying to fill a leaking water tank. No matter how much water you put in there, the cracks will continue to leach out any of the good efforts you are carrying out. You wonder why things aren’t changing and then use it as further evidence of just how not good enough you truly are..
But what if we could change perspectives and questioned this voice inside of our head? The one that tells us that we aren’t good enough or not doing enough? We all have different versions of this voice in our own mind. Call it your ego, your inner critic, your obnoxious roommate or whatever it is you want to call it. When it drives the show, you have no hope of feeling fulfilled.
What if we could find our inner enoughness? Realise that we’re not broken and that there is actually nothing to fix. How would things change if we began to talk to ourselves as if we were talking to a best friend? If we could begin to catch the judgey voice in our head and then let it go? If we could pursue our self care and any other activities that we may choose to do from a place of;
‘I’m already whole and so am doing these activities from a place of love’.
Fake it til you make it if you have to. Initially I would ask myself ‘What would I do now if I believed I was enough? If I believed I was okay just as I am and that there was nothing to fix?’
It was pure magic what would happen next. My posture would become taller, my breathing slower and I would know what to do.
What would you do differently if you felt you were enough? If you believed there was nothing to fix?
