Last year I turned 34. The age my mum was when she died. It’s been the strangest experience. On one hand, I’m struck by how young she was when she died. This makes me feel incredibly grateful for my own life and the fact that I and many loved ones are still here. And on the other hand, fear has become a companion of mine. It’s therefore no surprise that control (fears best friend) has also been playing a lead role in my life.
It's a funny thing fear. I consider myself quite a positive person most of the time and at the same time, I seem to often predict the worst (mainly when it comes to health). Our anxieties attach themselves to our vulnerabilities and then we react by trying to take control of other areas of our lives. This could be trying to control our diet/body, or needing everything to be ‘perfect’, or it could even be trying to control other people or at the very least, other people’s opinions of us. Worry is another way that we try to control things. It gives us the illusion that we’re doing something about what is bothering us even though it actually just sends us further down the rabbit hole of fear and anxiety.
It’s a scary thing realising that we actually have very little control over our lives. That we could do everything ‘right’ and still get some chronic illness and die at the age of 34. I really felt this when I was pregnant. I felt so responsible for this little life growing inside of me and yet so much felt out of my control. Pregnancy for me is a constant teacher, urging me to let go.
I think we live with the illusion that if we just make the ‘right’ choices, then we’ll get a certain outcome and sadly this just isn’t the case. We of course should make the choices that are right for us in any given moment, but then there also has to be an element of surrender. Just like the gardener who carefully and lovingly plants her seeds but cannot control the weather, we too can create the conditions but ultimately cannot control the outcome of what happens in our lives.
I’m beginning to realise that what started as an incredibly scary prospect could in fact be the key to my liberation. The more I let go and see the superfluousness of trying to control my life or others, the more space there is for ease, presence, acceptance and gratitude.
I’ve realised that worrying about some perceived threat to my future won’t help me in any way and will actually only make me go through the experience twice if my doomsday predictions just happen to be right. Luckily experience has shown me that I’m a terrible predictor of the future and this gives me more and more faith to not listen to those voices in my head, but to instead trust, relax and to just be grateful for all that I have right now.
I feel that this is going to be a lifelong practice. It’s not something you just GET and then never have to wrestle with again. It’s a constant noticing and befriending of fear and then instead of following the oh so tempting loop of worry, anxiety and control... Letting go instead. It’s deciding to believe that things are okay until proven otherwise and not using worry as a way to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment. It’s believing that no matter what happens, even that which you fear the most, that you’ll ultimately be okay. It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable with whatever is tender in your heart and to feel the uncertainty of being a human on this earth.
Where in your life are you using worry as a way to control things? Where and how can you let go? Even just a little? Or at least accept what is out of your control?
